Slipping Through My Fingers
by Rasiaa
Summary: I knew right away that he and I were meant to be. He knew it, too, and stayed devoted until the very end. I can't say that it was easy, or that he never lied to me or hurt me, because he always, always did. But I loved him, God, I loved him. I still love him, even though he's gone now and all that's left is memories. He managed to slip through my fingers once again.


_123anime requested a story of memories where Gin and Rangiku were young. I hope it's alright- what you were looking for._

_Written while listening to Lana Del Rey's various songs and staying awake with chocolate fudge. _

* * *

A_nd I remember when I met him, it was so clear that he was the only one for me. We both knew it, right away. And as the years went on, things got more difficult- we were faced with more challenges._

_I begged him to stay. Try to remember what we had at the beginning._

_He was charismatic, magnetic, electric, and everybody knew it. When he walked in every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him. He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself. I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him._

_And in that way I understood him and I loved him. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him. _

_And I still love him. I love him._

_~Lana Del Rey, "National Anthem" Video._

In the end, nothing turned out the way we'd planned. Everything went to hell, so, so slowly we never even really noticed until it was far too late. Too late, too late, too late. What a horrible phrase- I hate it, so, so much. It goes hand-in-hand with "What if" and my life- my life with him- is riddled with "What if". We didn't notice until it was too late, too late to take it all back, too late to say "I love you" one more time, too late to have that one last kiss, too late for a family, for everything we'd hoped for as young children. It was a horrible ending, one wound that I fear will never stop bleeding, because I love him, oh, God, I love him.

I should never have allowed him to leave. I should have kept a firm hold on him, but like sand, he slipped through my fingers so easily. He always did, and I know now that he was always destined to do so. He slipped away from everyone he ever got close to, or had a firm acquaintanceship with, leaving everyone wondering what the hell happened.

I stare at my desk, the mahogany wood glinting in the sunlight that streams through the window, and I sniff. Blinking rabidly, I try desperately to force thoughts of Gin from my mind, but he slips through the cracks in my defenses and before I know it, the paperwork in front of me is wet with tears and the ink from the pen is smeared. The only thing I can think while I look at it is, "What would Gin think?"

Not many people know what happened to him in the last few minutes of his life- he's still a traitor and a backstabbing creepy bastard to most people in the squads. But to me, he'll always, always be the same sweet boy who save me all those years ago and who I fell to hopelessly in love with.

Figuring that, in this state, I was not going to get much work done, I slam the papers into a folder and hide it in my desk where my Captain (hopefully) won't find it and walk out of my office, slamming the door behind me. A few of my subordinates jump and the loud noise and stare for a moment, but when I glare at them, they return to their work.

Miserable and drowning in a mixture of grief and self-pity, I resolve to hunt down my sake as soon as I reach my bedroom quarters, with every intention to fully drink myself into a coma of peaceful oblivion, and maybe die of alcohol poisoning. I don't really fancy the idea of death yet, but I just want to see Gin again so badly that I don't care what the price is.

I enter my bedroom and catch sight of my bed, and, suddenly, I find myself lying on the soft comforter. I shut my tired red eyes and I soon find myself asleep.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

When I was about nine, about a week after Gin found me, I woke up to find that I was alone. Gin was gone. Panicked, I had searched and searched- around the cottage we were living in, the neighborhood, the forest of permission trees that Gin loved so much. I searched to no avail, and eventually went back to the cottage to find him sitting there on my bed, head in his heads, muttering angrily to himself.

I had been overjoyed. "Gin!" I cried, and launched myself forward just as he looked up. He caught me, and we fell backward, me sitting on top of him and him staring at me with shock. I hugged him one more time, breathing in his scent. I was so afraid that he'd left me for good- it wouldn't be the first time someone did that.

"Don't do that, Ren-chan!" he hissed in my ear, holding me tightly. "Where'd ye go?" he demanded.

"Looking for you," I replied.

He sighed, and released me. "Don't bother, next time, 'kay?" he said. "I'll come back- I just like explorin'."

At the time, I didn't know better. I didn't know that he would always leave me to "explore" and then not say a word. I accepted the excuse, and didn't ask again.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

We were eating dried permissions in the yard, the basket between us half gone. The sky was getting darker as the sun began to sink behind the mountains. I stared with wonder at the swirling mix of red, pink, and gold, only to look away when Gin began to stand, brushing off his clothing and finishing the treat he had in his hand. Instinctually, I knew he was going to leave again. I reached up and placed my hand on his arm. He paused and looked down at me, a question in his bright blue eyes.

"Why are you always leavin' me?" I asked desperately.

"Som'imes, I gotta go, Ren-chan," he replied, still looking at me. "My life innit all 'ere, and I gotta go get food, yeah?" he reasoned.

Distressed, I nodded, "I, I, I guess so," I agreed slowly, not understanding his point. "But, why can't I go with you, Gin?"

"It ain't safe," he said immediately. "Not for ye, an' not really for meself, neither, but I'm stronger than you, Ren-chan."

Angry now, I snapped, "What's strength got to do with it?"

"I can beat up the folks who'd hurt ye, but I don't wanna take the chance of ye getting' to 'em in the first place."

I knew I had lost that part of the argument. Nevertheless, I pressed, "You don't even leave a note. I just wake up and you're gone, with no goodbye."

His eyes softened, and he took my hand. He didn't break eye contact. "Goodbye's more painful, Ren-chan. Feels like closure. I won' say goodbye 'til you know I ain't commin' back," he vowed.

"You'll always come back, though, right?"

"Ye can bet on it, Rangiku. I ain't ever gonna leave ye."

He was a liar.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

I very nearly tripped on the branch beneath my feet, but I regained my balance quickly and kept running. I glanced back, seeing a flash of silver hair weaving between the trees, and I laughed. I saw the river up ahead, and leapt over it, coming to a stop. "I win!" I cheered, and Gin burst from the bush in front of me, panting.

"Damn," he cursed. I laughed again, and with my eyes closed, I didn't notice he was there until it was too late. He scooped me up and dumped me into the river, his own personal form of revenge.

"Gin!" I cried, when I came up, brushing my golden blonde locks from my eyes. "You ass!" I brushed more hair from my eyes and quickly yanked my clothes over my growing chest where the clothing had fallen from the sudden amount of water filling the fibers.

I had caught him staring.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

We had our first kiss shortly before he decided to become a Shinigami.

I heard the door open at the front of the cottage, but I didn't turn, too used to his near silent and unpredictable returns to care much about them anymore. It still hurt, so, so much but I knew there was not a damn thing I could do about it, so I ignored it the best I could and went on with my day-to-day life. My day-to-day life was always much quieter and more lonely without him, though.

I heard his quiet footsteps on the wooden floor of the cottage, no doubt stirring up the dust and dirt that resided there, between the cracks. I wouldn't be surprised if bugs found their way between his toes, bare to the world since we've no money for shoes. The door behind me opened and he stepped into my room, his bright blue eyes visible for once. I, as always, was captivated by their stunning brilliance, and wondered, not for the first time, why he always kept them concealed. His trademark smirk was not on his face, instead, a quiet, content expression, full of innocent curiosity, was taking the mocking look's place.

"Rangiku?" he asked me quietly. It's a rarity that he used my real name- ever. He preferred the nickname he had given me. I raised my eyebrows at him, prompting him to continue. He does, "Do you ever wonder…?"

Gin didn't continue, and for a moment, I was confused. But then, I saw his gaze flicker to my lips and flash back up to my eyes and I understood. Smiling inwardly, I waved him over, then faced the wall. The bed dipped beside me, and I felt his questioning gaze on me. I turned to face him, and before I could loose my nerve, leaned over and kissed him.

I remember that he hesitated. I'm sure that in his fantasies I had never been the one to make the first move. It was just one more thing I could add to my list of peculiarities that made me different from other women- hence why most of friends are men. Still, I continued to keep our lips together, and he eventually responded. I could feel his eyelashes move against my cheek and he tilted his head, taking control over the kiss. I let him.

His hand made its way to the back of my neck, underneath my hair to keep me in place while the kiss deepened. We pulled back to breathe before progressing. That time, he just put his tongue in my mouth- there was no closed mouth kissing that time. He ran his tongue over mine, along my teeth, mapping out my mouth.

When we finally pulled back, we were panting heavily, a string of saliva connecting our lips. I giggled, and he grinned at me, eyes still open. I knew he was very, very happy. I was too.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

I wake suddenly, the taste of Gin on my lips and his name crawling its way up my throat. I choke it down; tears arising once more when everything comes rushing back- Gin is gone. He's gone, dead, never to speak or smile or laugh or kiss me or make love to me ever again. I will never meet him in the dark corners of Sereitei again; he cannot move from his unmarked grave.

I wish that he hadn't loved me. Then, he never would've sworn to kill Aizen for hurting me all those years ago, he wouldn't have betrayed Soul Society, and, most of all, I never would have gotten to chance to experience the most powerful love I think I have ever heard of. I never would bear the pain of living without him.

Of course, wishes like that can never be granted, and, deep down, I know that if I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't change anything, because what we had will always be more than enough. It's more than what most people get. But it is also the type of relationship that leaves you waiting, and that, I think, it the worst part.

I loved him, I loved him, I loved him. Everything he did was for me. I still love him.


End file.
